Another functional day.
Perhaps I’d better explain what a functional day is. For me, it varies from day to day and episode to episode. Today (as with the past week really), I woke up with blurry vision, my head feels both light and spacey and at the same time it feels like there is a concrete block sitting on my neck. My neck is popping and the left side (where the lump is) has a pain running from the top of my collar bone area to the top of my head, right in the center. There has been a lump on my trap muscle for about five or six years, but recently, it feels like it is digging into the muscle and now whenever I raise my arm, it hurts. I can’t sleep on my left side any longer and that stinks because that’s my “falling asleep” side – when I do side sleep. Since Rich bought our new beds, I don’t really sleep on my side much, but it stinks that when I want to, I can’t.
I’m exhausted. Five hours of sleep is not enough, and yet, I struggle to get to a place where I can sleep at night. It’s always 0200 before I can even get relaxed enough in mind and body to go lay down and try to sleep. Yes, even if I do my body scan. Yes, even when my phone goes to “sleep” and turns the Do Not Disturb feature on at 2200. Yes, even then, it is very difficult to get myself to lay down and sleep.
My left eye hurts today. I don’t know why, but on the way to town, I was closing my left eye and opening my right eye, and I realized that I could see just fine out of my right eye, but could not see out of my left one. I remember at one time, the doctors had asked me if that was the case. At the time, it was not.
Today I feel nauseated (again), and I know that putting something in my stomach may make me feel better for a minute, but it will ultimately lead to bloating which will make me feel worse at day’s end.
I’m sullen or something. I don’t know. I really don’t want to talk. I don’t want to engage with anyone. I would be happy to simply go back to bed and sleep the day away, but I have two kiddos and I know that they need some positive interaction with me. One of those kiddos has to work tonight, so I need to try to perk her up today, while I have the chance.
So far, those are my symptoms today. That’s what makes today a functional day. I should probably figure out a different name than functional day, because if it were a functional day, then I would be functioning correctly. In my opinion, of course. But to me, functional means that my FND is on the run and I’m trying to calm it (and myself) so that I can function.
Hmmmmm…. maybe that’s what I will spend some time thinking about today.
You know what else just popped into my head? I am currently working in an area heavily populated with a Amish/Mennonite community. I wonder if the Amish get FND. I wonder if there is anyone in their community who is struggling to see, fighting to maintain their balance, walking funny, speaking with slurred speech, holding onto chairs to stand and walls to walk. I wonder if there is any Amish that have struggled to make their bodies compliant, functional, and if so, I wonder how the Amish treat FND.
Is that weird? Likely. But I’m a weirdo, so I guess that’s par.
I digress. I have other things to catch up on, so I’ll close for now, but just in case you’re having a functional day too… hold on, stay, keep fighting, and remember that the best we can do is the best we can do.
Momma Rich's 