Birth Day

Today is the birth-day of the Teal Project.  Not coincidentally, it’s Valentine’s Day.  I don’t “do” the commercial Valentine stuff.  It’s hokey to me.  I know when I was younger it was so important; funny how things change when you’ve lived beyond adolescence.  Today the sun is shining through my window, casting glare on the tears that run down my cheeks as I read texts from my real-life friends.  Today, I woke at 3:30 in a sweat, anxiety weighty on my chest and fearing the things that will happen today.  Will it be good?  Will it be loving?  Will people understand why?  What have I done?  Why did I take this act of love so far?  I prayed, I cried out to Jesus to save me again.  I’m always begging him to save me.  I never see the line.  I’m always beyond it, in deep water, screaming for help.  Today, as I was dropping my miracle babies off to school, a text came in… I didn’t read it, but the announcement brought more tears… “I’ve been sitting here thinking of exactly what I want to say…”. Oh, how my heart broke.  I didn’t know what was going to come after that, but I knew the heart of the person sending it.  I couldn’t bring myself to open that text for another hour.  I did the dishes; I finished a project.  I started laundry.  I kept doing the “normal” thing until I thought my heart could handle it.  When I opened it, I got exactly what I expected.  Love.  It hurt to read, it hurt because I know I’m exposed.  I’m seen for what I am.  Broken.  Imperfect.  Doubtful.  Insecure.  And yet, all that was said was grace.  It was a gift I needed to open, and I will continue to go back to today.  Because I need grace.  

I didn’t pick today as the day that the Teal Project would be born; it was chosen for me.  Without coincidence.  I’ve done a lot of talking about Paying Attention To The Signs.  I’ve preached about listening to our bodies, our spirit within.  I’ve shared personal oh so very personal things.  I’ve tried to live as authentically as possible in the past year, and I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that there are a handful of people who get it.  They walked with me.  Unflinching.  Unwavering.  Every time I’ve done some crazy thing, they’ve borne witness to it, and shared in the marvel that is not coincidence.  Mystery.  I can’t thank those people enough.  I can’t put down in words what my heart feels when I whisper their names into the air, thanking God for the blessings that they are. This morning, as I was driving to the school, I remember thinking, this is exactly what it felt like the morning I went to the hospital to birth Line.  I was ready to meet her, ready to get the process over with.  I was anxious at the thought of the pain which I was about to allow into my body, in order to bring her out of it.  That is exactly what I felt this morning – am still feeling.  I know when I leave this house, I leave any control I have.  I am at the mercy of everyone in my path.  Whatever they say, I will hear, and I won’t be able to unhear it.  Whatever they do, I will have to absorb into myself, and trust that it is all going to be okay.  But I’m going to go. 

Because that’s what love does.  Like surrendering to the pain of labor, in order to bring forth life, I must surrender the expectations and desires I have in order to make a space for love.  If all that I have been striving for – that authentic love be present in our world, in my life – is to be born, I have to allow others into this sacred space.  Oh how scary that is.  Everyone is not going to be loving.  Everyone is not going to get it.  Someone might say something that hurts.  If I stay here to avoid it, then I haven’t done anything.  I’ve banged a gong that echos hollow.  If I sit frozen, I am nothing more than a word spoken in a vacuum.  I have to do this big and scary thing because I have to love.  I don’t know any other way.  It may be a broken, mixed up, politically incorrect love, but it’s an honest love for sure.  

That brings me to my wish for everyone today: that we should all collide into one another with a love so big that we become atomic vibrations of grace.  If you do nothing else today, think about what that means.  Bounce into someone with more love and grace than you ever thought possible.  Do it because it’s important.  Even when it’s scary.