Teal

01172017 Teal 

February 23, 2016. 

My life is forever altered because of that date.  Here’s what I can tell you about it:  I walked in expecting a visit, and maybe to have some questions answered by the professionals.  I promise you that I never expected my life to be changed so much so that I would be writing this, running around town, serving in ways that I never imagined, loving people I didn’t plan on loving and living in a way that is so vulnerable.  I never anticipated being here when I walked through the door on that day. 

So here I am, telling you that I miss my friend, almost daily I wish she were here to do the thing that needs to be done.  There are many tasks which would be so much more easily accomplished if she were present and in control.  Conversations would have long ago been completed had she not been 1 in 73 women whose name entered the Ovarian Cancer statistical pool that year.  So much more would have been accomplished had she been able to participate in daily life instead of cancer treatments.  However, she viewed those treatments as imperative for her goal – to see her children into adulthood.  She thought that the treatments would be what got her to today.  I’m sad to tell you that the treatments failed her, and perhaps even more sad, the treatments weren’t the only thing that failed her. 

This time last year is when we were getting into the nitty gritty of what happened.  We talked about how overwhelming it all was; the doctors and hospitals and treatments.  We shared hearts filled with memories and joys and talked about fears.  Then, with her steel resolve, she shared with me what she had been sharing with everyone she could – this cancer isn’t detectable by blood work.  There isn’t a test to recognize the cells.  No real changes have been made in detection or treatment for Ovarian Cancer in over 14 years.  Since before her youngest was in elementary school.  No changes.  She allowed me to hear her story in a way that she probably hadn’t anticipated a “healthy” person to receive it.  I absorbed it all and determined that I would never forget how these facts pained her.  This falling through cracks and overconfidence of the power of surgery and treatments that hadn’t been improved in over a decade.  I would never forget words that were said to her that were callous and clinical, and I will never, ever forget how she longed to impact her world with education. 

February 23, 2016 I was completely peaceful.  Yes, it was a trying day, an emotional day.  However, I was not fearful or possessive.  I had no worry that she would be fine, and that her family will be fine.  I don’t know how I knew, but I just knew.  She had asked me to speak her story at her funeral.  I wasn’t nervous or frightened then either.  I was honoring my commitment to my friend, and I had no sorrow or worry about that.  I was honored and humbled that she would trust me. 

I went about the next few months checking in and leaning out.  Allowing the space for private grief and personal reflection.  Then, one day I woke up and I missed my friend.  I saw the empty chair, and the missing shine – oh how dim this world is without her shine!  Her exuberant greeting, her brand of hospitality is void.  Our private conversations were missing, and there is no longer a place to go and ask questions.  Now, it’s my responsibility to ask questions head on, and possibly even to take the lead in things I never imagined taking the lead in. 

Teal is one of those things.  In the next two weeks, I’ll be filling my social space – both online and in person – with teal.  I want to share with all of my real-life and online friends how important it is to listen to our bodies, ourselves, and to be our own advocates.  Maybe I’m looking at her life and wondering why it was so short and others’ lives are so long.  Perhaps I’ve caught a glimpse of what temporary really means.  Regardless of how it came about, what I know is that February 23, 2016 changed my life forever.  I can not unknow what I now know.  I can’t unhear what I heard.  I will not forget those precious hours in her presence.  I want to make good use of that time and this. 

February is a month when we think about love.  I’ve done a lot of thinking about love the past year.  How important it is to really be present in the lives of others, and how we do not ever fully understand the implications of loving someone else in an unconditional way.  What I’ve come away with is that in order for me to love someone who is no longer on this earth, I must invest it in others.  I’m doing that in so many ways.  At the forefront is my effort in teal.  Watch my Facebook page, check my Twitter feed, and listen to me when I’m in your presence.  I’m going to tell you something so very important.  Consider this your PSA.    

Pay Attention To The Signs – PATTS. This is her message.  I’m just the voice.  I might be angry about it at times.  There are way too many cases of people who know there is something wrong, but are diagnosed incorrectly.   It is time we start listening to our bodies and advocating for ourselves.  This is where I’m about to turn all my tears and anger into something powerful.  Will you help me by spreading the word?  Will you join me in teaching our young girls to listen?  Will you stand by me as I do this big and scary thing in a small town and maybe make it go far and wide?  I’d love it if you did.  It’s not a coincidence that you are here and I am here and we’re all in this together.  It’s not an accident.  It’s an opportunity to love one another and help each other out in ways we never imagined! 

Today’s teal thought:  more than anyone in the whole world – you know your body.  If something is off or not feeling right, begin the process of recording.  Wait no longer than two weeks.  Track your eating, drinking, bathroom, and sleeping habits.  Those are the first indicators of any problem.  If you notice a change – get to the doctor and being the process of discovery.  Wait NO LONGER THAN TWO WEEKS!  Your life could depend on it.