11252016 Giving Thanks
It’s the end of the day. I’ve dreaded today. If you read my earlier post, you knew that, ish. The other thing you know (if you didn’t already), is that I highly value honesty. It’s like number 1 on my list of qualities that I expect from people. Since I expect honesty from others, I believe I should extend it to others as well, and that includes some brutal truth telling here. Especially here. Because this is the love note I’m leaving for those I love.
The truth is that I really felt unable to find gratitude today. The truth is that I have anxiety about holidays, and I honestly didn’t know it until about seven years ago. Well, I knew something was wrong with me, but I didn’t know what it was. About six years ago, I finally got honest with myself about my feelings and just called the spade the spade. Ever since then, I’ve acknowledged the situation and just tried my best to deal with it. Especially since I want the holidays to be special and fun for my kids. The reality is, though, that wanting the holidays to be special for them builds more anxiety onto my already shaky emotions.
I can’t sleep, my mind races, I wonder what is going to go wrong. My heart rate jogs, and my body resents me. I feel like I’m in a flare – muscles burning, bones aching, fever, headache, face tense, shoulders locked, fingers tapping, feet moving, can’t stop it – flare. Physically, I’m worn out from the stress of the anxiety; mentally, I’m an amped wreck. Like someone who has just found out they’re late to somewhere, I’m rushing inside my own mind and can’t keep a thought straight to save myself. I jump from emotion to emotion – from sad to angry to happy to scared and back again. There isn’t really a way to control the thought pattern or to rationalize it. The only thing that can be done is to process it and call it what it is.
Processing can look like many things. It can be talking, listening to music, sitting in a therapy office, speaking and listening, or it can be a physical-emotional thing like running or walking or working out. For me, it’s writing. Writing is probably my strongest coping mechanism, it’s my most true self, my honest feelings, and the lens through which you can really see my heart. Today, I shared that heart with the world, admitting that I wasn’t feeling grateful. Against everything society tells us (keep your crazy covered, be quiet, if you can’t say something nice…, Stay positive, etc.), I decided to take a stand and tell my own truth.
When we were getting ready to get the car loaded, Rich came and took me in his arms and told me how much he loved me. I thought he was trying to lead me somewhere, just because he was so kind; without an explanation, but the truth is – looking back, I know that he knows. He knows that the best thing he can do is hold me in his arms so that I can feel protected, safe, and a little less crazy. He knows that there is no cure for anxiety. Sure, there are medications which can help subdue symptoms, but there is no real cure. The only thing we can do is process it and cope. He knows that I had a plan, and ideas of what should be happening when. While I was right on schedule with all the things that needed to be done, I couldn’t help it; holidays make me anxious. Holding me definitely made that heart rate slow, and kept my eyes on that still, strong lighthouse God has blessed me with.
It was time to go. I really wasn’t feeling it. While I wanted to go and see our extended family, while I wanted to be around them and enjoy their company; the fear of failure, the fear of it not being happy was overwhelming. Still, I had my partner, my light house with me, and our two beautiful children along for the ride. We were silly in the car on the way over and took a snapshot to show our family that we were on the way.
I made it through the day on the wings of prayers of angels – I’m sure of it and thank you. If you read my post and said a prayer for me or my family, thank you. I made it through the day by the grace of God. Thank you, God. For all things, and from Whom all things come. I am so blessed. I am able to say it now, because I’m not clouded by the emotions and anxiety that the holiday brings. It’s like I said in the previous post – everything worked out. Everything ended up alright. I just had to get through the hard part first.
Loving others helps. Letting others love me helps. I’ve said it a thousand times, and I’ll keep saying it… we are all interdependent. I have to believe that because I can’t make it on my own. I’m old enough and smart enough to admit it. My dream of living a good life and loving honestly – broke wide open – depends on the very idea that I must connect with others on an honest level.
So, in closing, let me say that I am, in fact, grateful.
For a husband who stands beside me through it all. For my two miracle babies. For parents who have always loved each other and given me their very best. For our extended family – whether we see them often or rarely – they are the roots of my tree. For our friends who pop in and out and offer their love and support. For those who “get” me. The ones who seem to understand where I’m coming from and why I do and say the weird stuff I do and say. For a full tummy. The food prepared was delicious, and I feel proud to have served dishes that my momma taught me to make to people I love very much. The food which was prepared for lunch was also delicious and the love that went into each plate and tray was incredible. I’m blessed to be loved too. By the people who have known me all of my life, and those who I’ve recently befriended. For the completion of today’s assignment… to be still, to be grateful and to be present. After supper, the kids were doing what they do every night – fooling around in the living and dining rooms and showing off for any of us who would pay attention. It was during that time, I had forced myself to do that “still” thing… and for a few minutes, I didn’t speak. I just looked at the beautiful curly-haired people in my house and my heart melted. Then I looked at the ones who had new haircuts, and I swooned. And I looked across at the fellow coffee drinker and I couldn’t help but smile and that’s when it happened… my heart just burst with gratitude. To know that the ending of my day would be different than the beginning; to see that I was right, that it would all be okay; to sense the love and fun in my house… it was overwhelmingly precious and full. I saw love right in my presence, and I always break when that happens.
So yes, I tried. But more so, God provided. He gave me the space I needed to work through what I needed to work through, and then, because He is good, God welcomed me back when I was ready. Which is what I’m most grateful for. A relationship with my Creator. A real relationship, where I can be honest and ugly and spoiled; and still loved as if I were perfect and sweet and loveable. Yes, thank you, God.
I hope whatever your Thanksgiving started like, that it ended with the knowledge that you are loved more than you know. That’s what happened to me today.
Momma Rich's 