Quiet

Lately, things have been anything but quiet online, and I have heard more times in the past week that people want everyone to stop talking about what’s wrong with the world and for people to stop bashing and hurting each other.  It’s a hurting world, and we’re all a part of that hurt.  In one way or another, we are all hurt, remember?  We’re all broken… 

A Necessary Blessing… 

This weekend, I was in class.  Remember the last class I went to?  Yeah, this one was not as intense with God, however, it was very spiritual, and necessary.  You see, Rich took a new job at the end of last month.  Without going into too many gory details, suffice it to say that Rich’s new job is not going to finance my dreams, and this has me in a place of limbo.  Currently, we are trying to discover what his new job means for us as a family, and anytime we are trying to discover anything… it’s an extremely uncomfortable place for me.  So, this month has been a heavily uncomfortable place for me.    

I’ve Got Questions… 

Last year, some crazy things happened in my life.  I’d gone to visit a friend, who had suggested I take a part time job that I would be perfect for.  No doubt, the job would have blended with my current ministry and connected me with more families in the area.  Without question, it would have provided additional income, and entry into a corporate workforce which would be beneficial at this moment.  However, I could not get complete peace about taking the plunge into this position and turned it down the day I was to be hired.  I made the opposite of reasonable decisions.  However, I felt “led”.  Four months later, I was offering the eulogy at this same friend’s funeral.  Had I taken the job, I would not have been afforded the privilege of accompanying her during the most precious time of her life.  Had I been working two part-time jobs; I’d have not been able to listen well and take as much time as I need with those who have asked me to sit with them since.  If I had followed reason, I would not have signed up for the class I attended this weekend, and I certainly would not be sitting here writing this blog right now.  In the past year, I have watched as my life went from a well thought out plan to a confusing occupation of listening.  And that’s where I was this weekend.  I’d been wrong.  I shouldn’t have turned down that second part time job.  We wouldn’t be in a risky situation right now.  We might not be stretched so thin. 

Maybe I’d even have more peace.  In this moment, I repeat my most repeated phrase ever, “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda…”. I’ve always said it to Rich whenever things look scary.  “We made a choice, and we ride it all the way out.  Whatever that looks like.  There’s no other way.”  I say it to comfort both of us and remind us that we can make any choice, it will always look frightening when it begins.  The fact is that the choice is made, and no amount of second guessing will fix anything.  So, we must continue.  So, I go on to the class I’m not sure I should be in. 

Transform Me… 

Last time I went to this class, my prayer was for God to transform me.  It was again this time, however, I added, “Help me see, talk to me, tell me what I’m supposed to do”.   As the class began, information poured out from all of us.  We listened and learned the back stories of how the instructors came to be leading our class.  Beautiful stories of redemption and victory came out and we were charged with hearing the stories of our classmates.  We spent time hearing others speak of their past, how God has brought them here, to this room, today.  Not their whole story mind you, just a glimpse; but the portion was enough to help us each understand the other.  We heard not only a testimony to the person’s strength and will to survive, but to the awesome love of God.  While some would say that we had each seen our own share of tragedy and misfortune, closer observation reveals the character of a God who loves His children so much, of a Savior most capable of securing a future from the wreckage.  Facts followed, with advice and suggestions, guidance and information flooded our minds throughout the weekend.  We ended the day with a devotion which focused on the opportunity to live.  Not just exist and run the clock out, but to really live wide open – with candor and abandonment for the sake of relationship with others and God. The video shared was Point of Grace How To Live, watch it here. 

The next morning, I felt hungry for more information, and couldn’t wait to hear what our leaders had in store for us.  We started with a devotion about the love of God in providing us hope.  A story of true desperation and a hopeless situation that led to the woman who stood before us, speaking about her desire to discover what God had in store for her.   

Confessing Through Tears… 

Friday night I lay on the bed next to Rich and confessed my truth through tear-soaked eyes and snot-covered tissues.  “I don’t know what to do.”  His job no longer finances my dream.  I might have to give up this calling I’ve been living to make ends meet and I’m terrified of having to do something I’m not called to so that I can pay for stuff.  I hate that thought more than anything in the world.  I’ve been living the past year.  Really living.  I’ve been giving everything I have with wild abandon and no regrets and if the bus came for me tomorrow, I’d have no sorrow.  I’d be fine because I’d know that I had lived a life of purpose this year.  What do I have to show for my life?  What is there to evidence my existence?  Nothing.  There’s no retirement, no inheritance for my kids, no published writings, no royalties from songs I should have written, no recorded music I could have performed.  There’s not even a piece of jewelry worth hiding in a safe deposit box I don’t own.  Nothing.  I gave my life up to follow him all those years and didn’t create a career. 

I have a degree I don’t use in a field I wouldn’t even be able to succeed in these days.  Then this.  This ministry, this calling.  It’s been wooing me since the turn of the millennia.  I’ve been putting it off and pushing it aside until we moved back here.  Even then, I let people and inexperience shake me.  But not this year.  This year, I’d been doing it for other reasons.  Purposes I hadn’t even known until recently.  I’d been following the nudges of God into places I had avoided in the past, and I belonged there.  I have never doubted that I was accomplishing something and now, with this change, it might all be taken away.  How does one feel when the thing they most know they should be doing could be taken away and replaced with something they must be doing?  I confessed to him that I’d been avoiding reality so that I didn’t have to feel the weight of the issue.  I’d been praying, asking God what He wanted me to do. Even telling God – ordering Him to show me what to do.  Nothing worked.  I didn’t want anything.  I felt no desire.  Then one day, I conceded and confessed to God that I don’t know what to do, and I needed Him to show me what to do.  And people came.  I’d make a phone call or send a text and someone needed it.  I offered a visit and it was well-received.  People.  They kept coming from this place or that connection.  One after another, there was always someone to listen to or lean into or love on.  I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t focused on my stuff, and I was doing something. When I sought counsel, I was told that if I didn’t sense God telling me what to do, then I knew what to do – keep doing what I’m doing.  I was told that I can’t leave, that I’m doing God’s work.  But still, I kept crying, “God, what is happening?  How are we going to make it?  How am I going to make the ends meet with what we have?”  No answer.  Was I grieving the loss of the dream?  The change?  The idea that I wouldn’t be anything without the purpose of who I am in my service? Seriously, struggle after struggle is happening in my mind.  Finally, the day before class – the day I’m supposed to be finishing my homework, and I’m avoiding it.  I make a comment to someone about having 500 race cars on the track in my mind and he says, “park them all and focus on the most important one.”  And there it is.  In those bedroom confessions to Rich, I ask him again, what should I do? How is this going to work?  How will we make it?  With complete love in his eyes, he says, “Just do what’s in front of you.  Just keep doing what you’re doing”.  I knew he was going to say it.  I knew he’d be #3.  And so, I stopped crying.  We talked about all the ways I’d been doing this caring ministry our entire marriage.  In Tennessee – I took care of Dallas – I stood in the way of race and loved a child because that’s who was in front of me.  In Virginia – I took care of VF-103.  I loved an entire squadron of families because that’s who was in front of me.  In Maryland – I loved Corrin and my youth group students – because they were in front of me.  In Florida – I loved my coworkers – because they were right in front of me.  Once I had moved home, I’d been loving on my family and friends as they were right in front of me, and my students right in front of me, my church family when they are right in front of me, and each person who comes in my presence.  I’ve been doing this all along.  It doesn’t matter what I do for employment, as long as I just keep loving the people who are right in front of me.  That’s what I’ve been doing all along. 

Go In Peace… 

I went in peace to my class this weekend, still wondering what God had in store for me, and here she was, another strong Christian woman, who had endured so much, whose perseverance was honorable and yet wondering what God had in store for her.  It was comforting, knowing that I’m not alone in wondering.  I was at peace, knowing that God is going to give me people to love, no matter what occupation I perform and that when I love Him first, I will love them well.  I was comforted by the woman whose story looked like mine.  I was encouraged by the woman who chose to sit by me, who shared her devotion and desire the night before, sharing “How To Live” and when I shared my desire with her to really live, she whipped her head around and stared directly into my eyes in knowing agreement.  God gave me everything I needed this weekend through others – Assurance from my husband, support from those who helped fulfill my duties at church, love from those who texted me, encouragement and comfort from my fellow classmates, wisdom from my instructors, and peace – His peace, which passes all understanding.   

Introspection… 

As I was washing away this weekend, I couldn’t help but wonder what some people would say about these things I received this weekend.  How can I tell you these things come from God and are not just my perception of the events?  Might someone else perceive my husband’s “Just keep doing what you’ve been doing” as apathetic avoidance?  Could the encouragement from How To Live and The Story be described as coincidence?  My church family’s support – simply people being nice?  And the texts?  Just normal daily conversation?  Content of the class?  Did we all not receive the information we needed on a myriad of topics?  Certainly.  But then, that would not account for the eloquence of the message that was brought to me.  I have heard what God wanted to tell me, and I am convinced that all the things that I perceived, heard, and felt, and understood this weekend were exactly as designed.  

A Final Thought… 

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to God.  Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now.