Deal

I guess there’s no hiding the fact that I believe in God and have a relationship with Jesus; not that I’d want to.  Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I didn’t.  There would never be questions like, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” and “What happens to pets when they die?” or “Where are you God?”  I would never wonder why I finally got the two miracles I prayed for and there are still others praying and waiting. I’d never have to look at someone I love very much and tell them that things may not get better here on earth, but that I want to see them in Heaven, and pray a prayer with them to know Jesus 

If I didn’t have faith, I wouldn’t have to explain why I feel guilty when I cuss or speed or other wrongs.  Without faith, I wouldn’t have to try to persuade people to see things from a different perspective and think outside the physical box.  If I didn’t know Jesus, I wouldn’t have to feel for other people and their struggles. No need to pray or rush over to help someone, no guilt for not paying a parking meter, (it wasn’t mine anyway) and definitely no worrying about doing the wrong thing.  There’d be no need to try to stay positive and hopeful.  I could just be realistic and even get mad and huffy when things didn’t turn out well; because why not? 

Seems to me like things would be much easier without all those other things to think about. 

Okay, okay, so I know you’re wondering where I’m going with this.  At the very least you might be thinking I’ve lost it.  Well, you may be right… like Billy Joel says… 

And then… I think about what would happen if I didn’t believe in God, if I had no personal relationship with Jesus… what would I have?  What would that look like? 

The weight of the world on my shoulders.  The judgement of others.  The selfishness.  The emptiness.  The loneliness.  The finality of life.  The pain.  The hopelessness.  The certainty of evil.  The darkness.  The sadness.  The fear.  The unknown.  The hollow.   Finite knowledge.  All sitting heavily on me like concrete resting atop new grass. 

Life without God and a personal relationship with Jesus seems simple, but looking deeper, it isn’t.   Depth brings bones up.  Deeper can be painful and dark.  But it can also bring to light things long buried and put away and digging up bones can be healing. 

My mother is the most positive person I know.  Perhaps bordering on Pollyanna.  She’s innocent even in her twilight years.  She’s a beautiful soul unentangled by the trappings of this world.  Sometimes, I’m like her in that I see not just the person in front of me, but the assumption that they are good and kind.  Even when their actions don’t show it.  I’m the kind of person who can bury most hatchets without an apology.  However, there are times when reality is pretty evident and there aren’t always a lot of hopeful, positive things that the world has to offer. 

The relationship I have with Jesus gives me more than the world.  More than what my eyes see, more than what my mind knows, more than my brain can imagine.  Jesus gives me a peace that breaks through reason and a hope of something intangible that I am too ignorant to describe.  Jesus gives me words when I don’t have them and silence when the world is so noisy that I can’t breathe.  The morning sun, the evening moon, the wind, the heart in my chest that beats perfectly without prompting… it was all perfectly designed by a loving God who placed me in this moment for His purpose.  It’s all designed by a God who loves me.  I know this, even though I’ve never met Him face to face.   So how can I believe in something I’ve never seen?  How can I have faith in someone I’ve never met?  How do I know that God is real and good? 

When I look back at my life, I can see a good God, a loving God.  When I trace the lines I’ve walked and the places I’ve set myself; I know without a doubt that I have been afforded opportunities, graces, and mercies that I didn’t deserve.  When I look at the times I’ve been rescued from self-destruction, I see a tender God.  When I think about the years of emptiness I spent crying and begging to be loved, I know that I was being loved in a way I didn’t understand.  I spent my entire life living the motto,

“You can’t drive a car by looking in the rear-view mirror – don’t live your life that way.” 

And here I am…  Looking back.  For good reason… it’s how I know there is a God.  I’ve lived my life so fast, so hard, so vacant that I never looked, didn’t breathe, and couldn’t appreciate.  It’s only looking back that I can see. 

Could I say that all that has happened in my life is coincidence, merely the way that fate played out?  Some might, but no, I could never.  Too many things worked out too seamlessly for that.  Fate takes.  God gives.  I guess you could pray to a milk jug and see if a milk jug could deliver you from eternal hell… but I wouldn’t recommend it. 

How do I rationalize my faith with terrible things?  Well, I believe in free will.  We are free to believe and think and do as we please.  I also believe in The Fall.  So with sin being a constant in the human life we live, and the fact that we are free to do, think, and believe as we please… terrible things can happen.  Right?  If we allow God to control every “thing” and every circumstance, then that is not a relationship.  That is slavery, and God wants us to have a relationship with Him, not just blindly follow. 

Choices do not escape consequence, and sometimes, innocent people are affected by the choices others make. Which is the simplest way I can explain how terrible things happen to good people. That’s the deal. If we want free will (which most people do), then we have to be able to live knowing that we can feel the effects of the free will of others. Even when we don’t deserve it.