Even When It Breaks Your Heart Part 4

09172016 Even When It Breaks Your Heart Part 4 

Today… 

Today means having miracles that I can testify to.  I can point to my children and say, “Look what God did!”  I can say without a doubt or reservation that without the intervention and provision of God, I would be a different person today.  I would still be a Christian.  I would still love God.  I would still serve Him.  I’m called, and I know that.  But I would not be a mother.  I would be just like my sisters who are still waiting.  My SIWs.  They don’t know I call them that, but I do.  Because I believe they are still waiting.  Even if they’ve stopped trying.  Even when they say they have moved on.  Unless God has removed their desire to be mothers, they are still waiting.  What would that look like?  I can only imagine.  Because every woman is different, and obviously I am different now; I can only say what I know and tell you what I did before. 

I walked around like everything was fine.  I went to work and volunteered my time and baked and read books and did the same things I do now, and I did it with a fully broken heart.  My heart was broken, and I felt inadequate.  I knew that there was something wrong with me and no one could tell me what, and I couldn’t fix it.  Being infertile is being helpless.  Being infertile is being empty.  Being infertile is being something no one wants to be.  However, it is also an opportunity to allow something to come from the pain.  You see, it is through infertility that I learned that all things come through pain.  All things.  Not one bit of growth happens without something stretching and changing.  Nothing comes from a vacuum.  All things come from something else.   My heart is still broken.  My infertility may have been relieved, but my heart is still broken.  Having my children didn’t fix my pain, didn’t make me feel better about not having answers or knowing why.  I can only thank God for my two miracles and share the miracles that I have received.  I can’t explain why it worked for us, other than to point to God and say, “He did it”.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m not worthy.  I didn’t earn it.  I’m not better than anyone else, and I don’t deserve it more than anyone else.  God just did it.  His will.  Not mine. 

But He didn’t fix my heart.  Yes, I’m relieved to have my babies.  Yes, I was given my desires.  Yes, I’m no longer infertile.  But I’m not fixed.  I’m still broken.  Probably the best thing that happened to me was that broken heart.  It allowed The Light to get in.  Now, it’s how The Light gets out. 

Today, I sent my baby boy off to Kindergarten.  It seems like last month that I found out he was not a kidney infection or a slipped disk.  I didn’t cry.  But my heart was breaking.  I didn’t want to let him go.  He is ready.  He is capable.  It’s time for him to go and experience the world without me.  It’s time to allow him to grow in ways that I can’t teach him.  But I’m not ready.  I don’t want to say goodbye to these rocking chair snuggles and smooches and hugs.  I don’t want him to gleefully jump out of the car and wave me off or tell me that he doesn’t want me to walk him to class.  I don’t want that.  But it’s not about me.  I know that.  I know that I must do this, and I have to get through it.  Even when it breaks my heart.  Again. 

This is the final post in a 4 part series. 

Part 1 

Part 2 

Part 3 

Thank you for reading.  Please say a prayer for all those who are still waiting for The Light to get into or shine out of the cracks.  We are all broken in some way.  If you want to know more about The Light, please message me.  I’m always up for some good conversation.