Lately, I have been seeing a lot of posts on social media between family members, in which there is an obvious conflict being played out in the public arena. God, help me not to judge any of these people. I am not of this age, I did not grow up in this age, and I am so thankful to you, sweet Lord, for not allowing that to happen.
Let me say this, I was not an easy child. In reference to birth order, the oldest child is likely to have the following traits, according to Parents Online, the oldest child is likely to be reliable, conscientious, structured, cautious, controlling, and are likely achievers. The article goes on to say that first-borns enjoy their parents’ presence, and often look like mini adults, being diligent and seek to be the best at all that they do. Knowing myself rather well, I would say that most of those traits do not describe me at all. I am often late, I am very scatter-brained, and I am the first to try something new, and fail. I do not see myself as an achiever, even though I do get the most satisfaction from a job well done, and from going above and beyond the expectations of others. I am controlling, probably because it’s when I feel the most secure, and I have always been a mini adult. HOWEVER, as a teenager, I did not enjoy the presence of my parents, and I could not wait to leave the nest and fly away – which is why I am so thankful that there was no social media when I was going through my teen years. I searched my Facebook and found at least two occasions where I publicly thanked God that there was no social media when I was younger. Let me stress that those occasions were not related to my relationship with my parents. But I’m saying it now. Thank you, dear Lord Jesus, that there was no public – for the whole wide world to see and screenshot and comment on and share and forward and pass around – platform for my momentary frustrations and temporary feelings! WHEW!!! I missed that trainwreck by a couple of decades, but I am so seriously thankful.
Here’s what my Facebook would probably have looked like, had it been readily available back then…
(Status: “What’s on your mind?”) My parents suck. They are the worst parents ever. They make me do stupid em-effing chores all day long in the summer. And we have no air conditioning until my mom gets home from work, because they don’t want to use electricity to keep their kids cool. How stupid are they? They are going to kill us with all this fresh air and heat and such! I can’t believe my mom wants me to cook! WTH? Really??? What does she think her job is??? My dad expects me to show up for work on time every day and do whatever the stupid boss tells me to do without complaining. AND they want me to be home by 10:00 on a weeknight and midnight on the weekends. Who the h*ll do they think they are??? I pay for my own gas and insurance. I should be able to go wherever I want and come home whenever I want!!! Can you believe they expect me to help my sisters? That is so dumb. I hate them. I hate my frickin’ life! Why do I have to have a stupid curfew??? NONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE ONE!!! And now they’re home from work and yelling at me to get off of Facebook or they will take my phone away. If I disappear, don’t worry, it’s because they’ve locked me in my room!!!
Yep, I’m ashamed to say, that’s pretty much what my teenage self sounded like. I remember those days well, and no, my parents did not allow me to speak that way to them. Yes, they punished me if I even uttered one word like that out loud to them. As an adult, as a parent, I cheer them on. If I could go back in time and hover as an angel over my parents’ shoulder, I would shout in their ears, “Yes, mom and dad, you’re doing it right!” “Keep getting in my business. Keep reading my diary. Keep making me be home on curfew. Keep taking away the privileges you’ve given me when I disrespect you. It’s the only language I know. It’s the only way I am going to stay in your boundaries. If you take these boundaries away, I will run right over you, and I will make really bad choices, and I will do whatever I want because I have no concept of time or life or age. I do not truly understand responsibility and public opinion and how damaging it can be when others see me with my crazy out. I need you to be this way, because I am not ready to be an adult yet. You keep doing what you’re doing!!!”
But my poor parents did not have the benefit of knowing how well their parenting tactics would work out for their oldest child until I grew up and moved out of the teenage stage. No, my parents had to stick to their guns, they had to follow through with their plan and they had to have trust and faith that they were doing the right thing. As a mom of younger children, I can’t tell you how many 11:00 pm conversations I’ve had about questioning whether or not my parenting approach is working to create respectful, responsible and caring people. I wonder and I worry – A LOT – but I have some great friends, and a wonderful family; we have an excellent school and caring educators and administrators, who are my village when I need help processing.
Oh boy, if there had been social media, I shudder to think of what people would have thought of my parents, what they would have perceived me to be. I bet they would have thought that I was a complete and totally spoiled brat, who had no respect for my parents and elders. If I had to guess, they’d probably think that I was an out-of-control kid, whose parents needed to beat me more or lock me in my room. And trust me, if that had been possible, I’m sure they would have. But the spankings had no effect, and truthfully, I did sneak out of my room (they didn’t lock me in), out of the house, and out of the neighborhood. I was a bratty kid, but I wasn’t spoiled. I had great parents, diligent and upright parents, who loved and cared for me; parents who taught me good morals and values. I had parents who loved me enough to set limits and enforce those limits.
I’m so thankful that I didn’t get everything I wanted. I’m grateful that my parents had expectations of me. I’m thrilled that they held their lines. Mostly, I am beyond appreciative that there were no computers, no cell phones, no internet and no social media when I was a kid.
If I could tell teenagers and parents of teens one thing today, based on my teen years, it would be this:
Please don’t publicly announce your family problems on social media. Even when you think you’re being cryptic, you’re not. Please don’t bash the other person, don’t cry about the injustices of consequences and don’t type words that everyone can see, screenshot, save and share about your personal business. Young adulthood is so hard. It’s one of the hardest times of life. You can get sympathy from your friends in person, you can tell your parents how you feel in a respectful way, you can sit down and actually talk face to face with the people whose advice you can really count on. But you can’t take back something you put out into the world. You can’t erase the internet. You can’t hide from something you put on Facebook.
I’ve been praying for you, because I know you’re hurting. I know parents and teens are BOTH hurting. So, I’ll keep on praying, for reconciliation, for minimal damage, for you to make it through and come out like I did with my parents… on the same team, reunited and forgiven.
Thank you, Lord, for making me old school!
Momma Rich's 