Therapy Three

Tonight, I sat on my front porch alone, going through the almost thousand contacts I have stored in my phone, and check marking everyone I know who prays.  I can only choose ten at a time, but I went through my entire list.  Of course, I left out Alliant, Archers, and Windstream.  Not because they won’t pray for me, but because I’m pretty sure no one is going to get that text message.  But those who have generously given me their cell numbers over the years, those people who I know would pray at a moment’s notice, those people who maybe haven’t even heard from me in a while… I still check marked their name, and begged for their prayers.

While this isn’t my usual method of doing things, I did it anyway.  Generally, I send out the prayer request as soon as things get a little bit messy.  But this time, friends, I may have waited way too long.  Not too long for God… that’s not possible.  But too long for myself.  And so as I started receiving those “done” and “you bet”, and “you got it” replies, my body released all that I have been holding in the past month, and I was finally able to consider my own feelings.

I shut down at the beginning of the month.  I turned off my Facebook, and I stopped blogging daily.  I turned off my electronics and started giving my kids and husband the time and attention they deserved.  Because they needed it.  Because I needed it.  I realized that it was easier to distract my mind with the things other people were posting, than it was to deal with the issues and feelings that were happening right inside my living room.  And so I shut down.  I didn’t share anything I was dealing with, and I turned everything inward to my kids and husband.

And here’s what happened:

Since before school started, I’ve been feeling not-so-great.  I can’t really explain what’s wrong with me, but there is something not quite right.  I have been working with the doctors to try to figure it out.  Currently, I’m not in pain, so I think we’re getting somewhere.  I will know more at the end of the month, maybe.

Harvest is a difficult time for me anyway.  It’s my favorite time of year, but a difficult one because I worry so much about the safety of all my farming family and friends, and because I’m pretty much a single mom when my husband is out working a second farming job.  So the worry and the constant activity of two kids is a bit overwhelming.  Add to that school starting and being the new president of our local House of Heroes chapter, and the Daisy Scout leader, and you have one worried chick.  So, I gave up the Daisy Scouts, since I know I’ll have to be home for both kids.  I gave up the technology.  I stopped running Line to swim lessons.  I stopped running around.  I gave my kids all my attention.  I focused on finding out a diagnosis for Line.  I tried to figure out what was wrong with me.

Line has been diagnosed with EDS… Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome.  It’s a connective tissue disorder which causes her to be very floppy, simply speaking.  There are various presentations of this condition, and right now, we’re trying to get a grip on what hers will look like.  We may not know everything until she grows up.  Last week, we had the visit with the geneticist, tomorrow, she will have an echocardiogram to make sure her heart is in good shape.  Once we know that, we will better know how to help her live a fantastic life!

Which brings me to Saturday…

A perfect autumn day.  Sunny skies with a nip in the air.  Not too hot, not too cold.  The only way it could have been better is if the colors in the trees had started turning.  The kids, outside, playing with the neighbor boy; me, running out in between winterizing our closets and cooking up a good batch of chili.  Beef, working that second farming job, enjoying his time in harvest, safe in a cornfield somewhere north of the Junction.  He was gone all afternoon and it was getting to be early evening when I got a phone call that something was wrong at my parent’s house.  No one really knew what, but the baby of the family was headed down to check it out and would let us know as soon as she had an answer.  I prayed for twenty minutes that whatever was going on, that my dad would get help if he needed it.  I prayed that if there was need to go to the hospital, that my parents would see the need and get there.   And within the hour, my baby sister called with the news that my dad was headed to the emergency room by ambulance.  And that mom was in the ambulance with him.

You should know one thing about my parents:  they never complain.  Life is never “not fair” to them, they are never “sick”, “crappy” or “less than”.  They are always “good”, “fine”, “okay”, “feeling better” or some other phrase that they present to us as gospel, when we know better.  My parents go on no sleep and live with pain that most people couldn’t imagine.  And they do it without uttering a word to anyone.   The only reason that my sister was involved is because my dad couldn’t walk.  I truly believe that if my dad had been able to walk, he would be dead right now.

He arrived at the hospital Saturday evening, within a half hour after leaving his home.  He stayed in the emergency room, undergoing tests for eight hours, and all they found was pneumonia and sepsis.  When they checked him into ICU, that was his only diagnosis, along with being an enigma to the nurses and doctors.  By Sunday afternoon, he was sitting in a chair, eating “noodle soup”, and reminiscing with us kids about days gone by.  His speech was still slurred, and his eyes, still glassy; but he was at least out of the bed and talking, which was more than he could do on Saturday.   However, that glimmer was short lived.  He has been steadily going backwards since Sunday night.  Monday he was back in pain, and couldn’t move his leg on his own again.  The pneumonia and sepsis continues.  Monday night was a terrible one for him, and today wasn’t really great either.

Beef went in for his checkup today, and did not do well.  In fact, he has gained too much weight, and his blood pressure is way too high.  So we have to help him make some major life changes, and he has to get back into his cardiologist.  What’s one more thing to worry about in our little circle, right?
I’m actually not sure I can handle that worry, and I told him so.  I told him that if he makes our little girl worry about her dad like I’m worried about mine, I will kick his butt.  And when I looked at him, I just felt a sudden fear of losing someone else who is so precious to me.  I can’t lose two in one year.

When I called the hospital tonight to get an update, the nurse was very helpful, giving me information I hadn’t yet heard, telling me how my dad was doing.  When I ended the call, I felt something I hadn’t felt in a while… a strong sense of urgency.  A need to do something right away, but I didn’t know what I could do with my kids at home, husband in the field, and not enough gas to get me three more trips into the city.  And so I sat down on my front porch and started clicking those contacts in my phone.  I started asking for prayer from the people I know.  And I mean I started asking for prayer from everyone.

Another thing you should know about my parents is that they are extremely private.  No, they are more private than private.  They are stealth.  They do not let people know anything, and they certainly do not want their information on the internet or transmitted through electronic devices.
Technology is not their thing.  My parents could be off the grid if they could ever figure out those solar panel things!  But seriously, privacy is very important to my parents, so asking for prayer from everyone on my contacts list was pretty big for me.  Because I love to please my parents.  I’m not gonna lie.  Remember?  I was always the bad kid, so being good is very important to me, who still seeks their approval.

Remember that cell number you gave me back in 2002?  Yep, I still have it in my phone, and I’m texting you on it tonight… so if you don’t have it anymore, I hope whoever has it is prepared to pray for my dad, because I’m asking.  Yep, I just got a big dose of brave, because I’m running out of faith in the medical community, I’m out of time in the patience arena, and I’m out of confidence in the physical realm.  I’m interested in the big leagues.  The spiritual world.  Because that’s where I always go when things matter.

It’s still early on after I requested all this prayer.  I know I’ve upset some people, because I’m bringing back memories of their own moments of desperate prayer for their fathers.  I know they are praying fervently for me maybe even extra fervently because they lost their own dads.  I don’t have any results from doctors or nurses, and I haven’t called for any.  But after I sat down on that porch and released all the tension, stress and anxiety I have been holding inside myself these past few days, after my sweet friend came rolling up in her car to check on me, after I let out a few tears and we laughed a little, and I could get up and hug her, I was at peace.  And the longer this night rolls on, the more peaceful I get.

I am going to share that peace with my dad tomorrow.  Because he needs it.  Because he needs to know that God is still working in him and through others, and regardless of what happens tomorrow, miracles happened today.  And people prayed.  Thank you people!  You will never know what your words of kindness, support and especially your prayers have done in this world!  Thanks for staying up and getting down on your knees for us.