What Love Is Made Of

It started as a word: A little girl, saying it to her parents and other family members.  Then it grew into a feeling:  A young girl, using it to define feelings for a young boy.  Then it grew into a feeling with a bit more weight:  A young woman, using it to define feelings for a young man that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.  Then it grew into a commitment:  A young woman, committing to spend the rest of her life with a young man.  Then it grew into a verb:  A young woman, living out that commitment in daily life, through good times and not so good times.  Then it grew into another life:  A woman, becoming a mother, giving birth to another little girl.  Then it grew into another life:  A mother, becoming a mother again, giving birth to a son.  Every day it grows and morphs and changes and strengthens.  Truth be told, I didn’t really understand or know what love was for myself until recently.  Oh I knew what love looked like for other people, but I never really could define my own love until I started looking back on my marriage and motherhood.  And it’s not because of any lack on my husband’s part.  He is quite awesome.  I think I had trouble defining love because I’d never really experienced something so powerful as love.

When we got married, the verse that we chose to be read in our wedding was 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:
“Love is patient love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
The inside of our wedding invitation says, “Love knows no limit to it’s endurance, no end to it’s trust; love still stands when all else has fallen.”

And because of my marriage, I know all these things to be true.

Love is Patient
Love can withstand many things.  In my marriage, love has withstood distance, time apart, struggles with security, financial stress, infertility, mental illness, physical disability, cancer, heart attacks, deaths of loved ones, court ordered child support fiasco, adoption issues, home studies, military careers, civilian employment, the loss of friends, childbirth, countless relocation, automobiles, and lots of other things.  My husband has looked at me with love through so many dumb things I’ve done that I have lost count.  He has smiled when he could have freaked out.  He has held me during times he should have walked away, and he walked out when he needed to.  Each time I’ve asked him why he’s still here, he answers very simply, “Because I love you.”  I have a hard time understanding that.  But I’ve done the same for him.

Love is Kind
Love does bad hair days, accidentally shutting a hand in a door, lost car keys, locking keys in the car and having to pay for it ten times.  Love does wrecking your loved one’s vehicle because you can’t drive in parking garages.  Love does cleaning the cat’s litter box and taking out the trash, doing the laundry, dishes and cleaning the toilet.  Love does screaming kids, and crying babies, and sore boobs from breastfeeding.  Love does almost broken hands from being squeezed so tight during “procedures” to try to have said kids.  Love takes one on the chin when your pride is hurt because you didn’t finish the job quite perfectly and your spouse thinks you have skunk hair.  Love does broken hearts and promises, and not getting home on time because you have just one more thing to say to your bestie.  Love does long trips away and over time and many other reasons there are to stay at work longer, so that you can earn more money and pay those bills.  Love does not flush the toilet while you’re in the shower.  Love does stop for a potty break even when you don’t want to and avoids going “west coast” because your partner hates earthquakes.  Love turns the channel when the show isn’t what your partner wants to watch.  Love changes the sheets, love bakes the cookies, love writes the letters, love changes the oil.  Love sits with you when you cry and protects you when you’re scared.

Love does not Envy, Boast and is not Proud
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda… that’s what I’ve always said to Beef when he’s frustrated because of something we didn’t do, or should have done or did that we shouldn’t have done.  When we’re in a tight spot because of a decision we made (or one of us made); my answer to him is always: “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda”… we might have shoulda done something differently, we coulda tried something else, and we woulda not been in the current situation.  However, we can’t change any of the shoulda, coulda or woulda so… we just look at where we are and move on.  We can’t blame each other, boast that we were right, or the other person was wrong.  We have to work together to pick up the pieces and move forward to a better place or way.  That is what we do, we are not boastful.
For years, I watched as my husband worked his tail off to receive minimal recognition.  I watched as he worked and worked, with little to no “thanks”, and I waited.  And when the military did recognize him for his efforts, I praised and celebrated with him.  I was never jealous of the recognition or reward he got, because I believe he deserved and earned every bit of it.  I did not envy all the hours he put in, all  the “crap” jobs he had, all the late nights, the days at sea, the nights spent keeping watch.  Why should I envy the reward?  When I was recognized with a raise or when I earned the Ombudsman position, my husband celebrated with me.  We have nothing but appreciation and celebration for each other when we work hard and are give praise each other and the ones we work for.
The first thirteen years of our marriage, I was the CEO of our household.  I took care of everything from taking the trash out to securing loans for the new vehicles we purchased, from planning every relocation to moving every piece of furniture when necessary.  Beef was rarely home when on sea duty, and when on shore duty, we just didn’t adjust to him being there.  It worked for us, as a unit, for me to be in charge of everything.  It was easier for me to just “do it all” myself, than to count on him for the times he was there, and then have to take it all back on when he left.  When we finally received our miracle child, I really had to do some leaning and learning.  I wasn’t able to do everything anymore.  Being pregnant and having a baby really rocked my world.  And while I was strong and stubborn (I was tearing a chimney out of my parents house six weeks after birth), I had to ask for help.  When Beef had knee surgery, he was still strong and stubborn (climbing a ladder – i won’t say how long after surgery), he had to ask for help.  We all have times when we need a helper, a person who won’t judge us for needing help, but who just dives in and helps us.  That’s what love does.  Love just dives in and helps get the job done.

Love does not Dishonor Others
To dishonor is to shame, discredit, humiliate, degrade, lower, cheapen, or bring scandal to.  And we, for the most part, have never done that to each other.  In fact, while most Navy wives were complaining about their husbands, I had nothing to add to those conversations.  While I was the CEO of the household, he certainly was no slacker.  He has always pitched in and helped however possible, from wherever he was.  When other women talk about how their husbands ignore them and do not participate in family events, I can not speak, because my husband is a family man.  If other women have complaint about abuse or abandonment, I am sad for them, but celebrate the fact that my husband has never raised a hand in anger to me, and has never left me abandoned.

Love is not Self-Seeking
Well, this is a difficult one to cover, as I believe that we, as human beings, are selfish by nature.  But in all the things that we are selfish about, we surrender to each other’s best interest in all things.  I know, without a doubt that I can count on him to put me and the kids before any desire he has.  And I believe he knows that I do the same.

Love is not Easily Angered
In this middle of this post, my husband was fixing our garage door.  Why?  Because I ran into it.  Love didn’t get mad and yell at me on the phone.  Love didn’t go to the bar after work to drink the problem away.  Love showed up, rolled up his sleeves, and fixed the dang garage door.  And when the toilet seat gets left up, when the fan gets left on, when the clothes are shrunk in the dryer; love looks the other way and just breathes.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs
All the things I’ve mentioned in here, whether funny or not-so-funny, are memories.  They are not a record of wrongs.  Because when I look at Beef, I see nothing but perfection.  I see no tally sheet, no failures, no mess-ups.  I see a man who loves with his whole heart, and who lives as a great example to his kids and others.  I often joke about a “love bank”, where I have gazillions of tallies of stuff I’ve done or put up with, but truly as I breathe, I have not a clue what’s in there right now.  I’ve forgotten everything except what’s sitting beside me in his easy chair.

Love Does Not Delight In Evil, But Rejoices With The Truth
From day one, I’ve always said that I expect nothing except honesty.  That has been my one request.  I tell my kids the same thing.  Whatever happened, I need to know the truth.  Because if I can’t trust someone, I can’t be in relationship with them.  This includes my husband and my kids.  And I can’t trust someone who can’t tell me the truth.  It is sometimes ugly, and often hurts; but it is so much more beautiful than a lie.  Lies are so painful.  I’m honest.  Sometimes to a fault.  I don’t lie well.  In the past, every time I’ve lied, I’ve been caught.  Sneaking out, faking an injury, being somewhere I wasn’t supposed to be.  So the truth is, I can’t lie.
I trust Beef.  I believe in him.  He always does what he says he’s going to do.  Even when it’s something I’m not looking forward to.  Always.  And so I can trust him.

Love Always Protects
I’m never afraid when Beef is home.  I might worry about a few things, but I’m not afraid of the dark, of bad people, or of disaster.  Because I know, without a doubt, he will protect me.  Us.  And I will do the same for him.  Protection is not only in the physical realm.  Many times, through many struggles, we have also protected each other in the spiritual realm.  We pray for each other, we worship together, we are vigilant about protecting each other from that which we can not see.  We also protect each other by being as positive and upstanding as we can be.  We always think about our choices, because that which we choose can cause those around us to question our character.  So in all ways, we protect each other.  And when we are unable to protect each other from the choices of others, we help each other get through.

Love Always Trusts
As stated above in the delighting in the truth portion.  I do believe we have a relationship in which we can trust each other, no matter what.

Love Always Hopes
We have had many trials and struggles through our life together, some I’ve mentioned above.  Along with the shoulda, coulda, woulda statement, we remind ourselves often, that God has been amazingly loving and provisional with us.  Regardless of our need, we have always been taken care of.  Whether through the generosity of our family, or through the kindness of strangers, we have made it.  Something I think the world can quickly cloud, is our vision of HOPE.  Our hope should never be rooted in anything we ourselves can do, but that which can be done for us.  Job promises in verse 11:18, “You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety.”  Hope is defined by Merriam Webster as “To expect with confidence” (to trust).  This is one thing that we know, we have HOPE.  There is always HOPE.  It is a gift that we don’t always use to our fullest, except in those times when the chips are down, and we are sweating out bullets waiting on that 11th hour.  When we look around and see darkness everywhere, Beef and I hold each other, and remind ourselves that we have HOPE.  When a parent is diagnosed with cancer, love hopes.  When a parent is in a car accident, love hopes.  When prenatal tests show a problem with an unborn child, love hopes.  When money is scarce and bills are due, love hopes.  When children have driven us to our final nerve and there is more day left than good sense, love hopes.  And when those children grow up and move away, and we are left with an empty nest, love hopes.

Love Always Perseveres
All the things I’ve just described above, that’s love, persevering.  That’s love, sticking it out till the final gun.  That’s love, doing whatever it takes – being patient, not being selfish, not boasting, not being jealous, doesn’t bring shame, loves the truth, doesn’t get angry easily, protecting, trusting, hoping, and seeing things all the way through.  Love doesn’t quit, it doesn’t end, it doesn’t fade away.  Love may change, the look of love may become something unfamiliar, it may be different than when it first started, but love doesn’t quit.  It doesn’t.  Regardless of how much pressure put on it, love is stronger than any diamond.  Love always perseveres.  Love always wins, because it never gives up.  Love still stands when all else has fallen.

I’m so thankful that I have been blessed with over 40 years of love.  Even when I didn’t recognize it, my life has been filled with love.  From the first breath I drew, until now, it’s been filled with love.  I’m grateful for the past 20 years, that I can look on it and truly say, my life has been Filled. With. Love!