Ten Things About Being A Sick Mom

You don’t always believe that you’re sick.  Sure, you’ve got the sniffles, but so does every other kid in the school district.  Your kid brought it home and shared.  Now you’re snotty.  But that doesn’t mean you’re sick.  Buck up momma, you have a lot of work to do.

10.  You live in a state of denial.  You do not believe in sickness.  You have no desire to discuss such lies.  You don’t care what people think you look like, you are not sick.  Moms don’t get sick.  Moms are healthy and loving and nurturing beings whose cups are overflowing with health and joy and wellness.  There is no sickness in you.  Your genetic makeup does not allow it.  Afterall, isn’t that what’s in those antibodies your kids share with you when they sneeze on you?

9.  Your family doesn’t always believe you’re sick.  Because mom never gets sick.  It would be the end of the world if mom actually got sick.  No, mom’s not sick.  She’s hiding in the bathroom making those noises because she doesn’t want us to go in there while she’s catching up on “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” on Netflix.  She’s not sick.

8.  Your body temperature regulator no longer works, so you just throw on (and take off) a sweatshirt.  Every single time you go to a new room in the house.  You are freezing and sweating all at the same moment, and while you know you can’t possibly look glamorous, you are obviously not sick, so, you just deal with the fact that your make up is now on your collar, and your hair is wildly dreadlocked because of the on and off routine with the sweatshirt.  But you’re not sick.  So it’s not a big deal.

7.  You start to wonder what your mother did.  When you were a kid, your mother was never sick.  She never looked sick, never acted sick.  She didn’t even need a nap.  Your mom was wonder woman.  And so, it’s no surprise that you are too.  You are such a superhero, that you are in no way, shape, or form sick.  If you were sick, your sickness would turn into a superpower, and you would be able to lasso bad guys with your vomit.  And your hot-flash-clammy-chilled sweat would make you invisible.  But you’re not sick, so you do not need to worry about where your super powers come from.

6.  You start to do “emergency cleaning”.  Whether it is to prevent further germ spreadage, or as one last heroic act of mothering, your body kicks into overdrive, and you perform a “flight of the bumblebee” cleaning routine.  You scour toilets, wash windows, wipe door handles, wash every dish, and launder every item of clothing in the hamper.  Because in the odd chance that you might actually be sick (which you are not), this will come in handy.  Oh, and you cook, because if you’re not sick, it’s almost time for supper!

5.  You channel your inner grandmother.  Because just in case mom ever did get sick, you know for a fact that grandma never did.  Grandma was from rough stock.  She worked and slaved and never took a minute to herself until she was well into her rocker.  She never had a sniffle, cold, or twitch.  Grandma was 100 percent presentable at all times, and she never complained, mumbled, or let a cross words leave her lips.  She was a gracious woman, and you are just like her.  You are of that same rough stock.  You are tough as nails.  You are presentable with your sweaty mustache and your dreads and your wet sweatshirt.  You are a mighty fine specimen of health darn it!

4.  You sit down on the couch for “just a minute”.  And when you wake up, drenched in sweat, drooling on the pillow, with snot running out of your nose, you realize that it has finally happened… the house was quiet enough for you to sleep.  It’s pitch black outside, which means that it’s night.  But you can’t find your family anywhere.  That’s because it’s 10:00 p.m. and daddy put the kids in bed and then locked himself in the bedroom.  You slept for six hours, and you aren’t feeling any better than when you sat down to rest your eyes.  Perhaps no one hears you when you say you aren’t sick.

3.  You decide to have a shower.  Which will make you feel better.  Showers have a way of clearing off the dirt.  You get more done after a shower.  No one can rest when they are sweaty and clammy, stinky and sticky.  No, a shower is necessary, and plus, it will help steam out the crackles in your lungs.  So you jump into the nice warm water.

2.  Perhaps you’ll feel better after a good night’s rest.  But the shower felt so good that you can breathe again, and you’re clean, so it won’t hurt to just blog a bit, or catch up on your Facebook friends and oh yeah, you were supposed to go online and research the latest parenting techniques.  And look, what’s that?  An all night John Hughes Movie Marathon? Yes!  And because you’re feeling better, a little something to eat would be good, after all you missed supper.  So what harm can come from a midnight “snack”?

1.  It’s 3:00 a.m., and if you go to sleep now, you can still get three good hours before you have to get the kids up and get them off to school, so you can get to work.  You can scrape together some breakfast while you pack up lunches.  The kids can brush their own teeth and hair now, so that shaves off fifteen minutes from the routine.  You close your eyes, and suddenly, it’s time to get up and start the day.  You feel like you haven’t slept in a hundred years, and the snot is back.  Your head feels like there’s a jack knifed semi in it and your stomach is screaming in agony.  You look in the mirror.  No sense in make up today, your face looks like it was stuck to Velcro all night and your eyes look like someone hung fishing weights from them.  You’re not sick, you’re just tired.  And that cough will go away after fifteen Halls cough drops.  You’re fine.  Just wash your face and get going.