Consequences Aren't Easy

Today, you got a referral.  I’m not going to lie, it was not the most proud I’ve ever been of you.  In fact, I was hurt for you.  To think that someone saw your behavior as something so heinous that it warranted a note home to your parents makes me sad.  I am sad because I know that you know in your heart, the way you need to behave in the classroom.  I know that you want to please your teachers.  I know that you want to do your very best work.  I know that you know how, but I also know that you are young, and immature, and you can’t see past yourself sometimes.  I know this, and yet I want to make allowances for it, because I want to protect you.  But you see, I can’t protect you from yourself.  I can’t make decisions for you.  I can’t behave for you.  I can’t listen for you, do your chores for you, learn to read for you, be nice to your brother for you, or get an education for you.  These things, you must do on your own.  All the things that I believe are important are things that you must do for yourself.

One day, when you are older, you will look back on your childhood, I hope with happy memories.  I pray that I am showing you a good example, but when days like today happen, I wonder if I’m failing you in some way.  I think about how the preschool teacher said you were a bit immature socially, and that I should hold you back, but I didn’t.  I think about the difficult decision that was, how I cried, I prayed, I pondered, I struggled with it.  I really struggled.  Daddy didn’t struggle as much.  Nanny said to send you.  But I wondered.  Because I was the same way.  My birthday is in the same month as yours.  My parents sent me at the same age I sent you.  I was very active and also had a hard time sitting still and looking like I was paying attention.

You know, I know you were paying attention, because you told me all about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  You used words from the video that you watched, such as that he was a young boy and he had a dream of using big words like his daddy.  That he grew up and he used big words.  That he was shot.  That he marched.  You told me about your activity of Write Around The Room.  I know you were paying attention, even when you were crawling around the room, wiggling and probably humming a tune.  I was like that too.  Sometimes I still am.

So, what can I do to help you?  How can I show you how to “look” like a good listener? I am worried that I made the wrong decision.  I’m worried that I set you up to fail because of your immaturity.  I know that you are smart.  My how very smart you are!  I know that you were ready to grow and learn and explore your world.  But what have I done by placing you in a situation that you may not be equipped to handle?  Your referral wasn’t for hurting anyone, it wasn’t for using foul language or damaging any property.  It was for not listening, for “doing your own thing”, in your words.  You admit that you were not doing what you were supposed to be doing. You were not listening. You were not sitting in your seat.  You told me that you were doing what you wanted to do.  And for that honesty, I am grateful.

And so, we sat down and did your math homework, and waited for daddy to get home.  He was more lenient than I expected him to be.  He didn’t yell, he didn’t tell you he was disappointed in you.  He asked you why, and you didn’t have an answer prepared, so you mumbled something.  In a very stern voice, he told you that he had better never see another one of those again.  And then he asked if I had decided on a consequence for you.   Since we had decided in a family meeting that if you chose to ignore daddy and I, you would have a technology time out, and would not be able to use your tablet, I said that not listening was effectively ignoring the teacher, so you would have a technology time out tonight.  Daddy didn’t wait for me to take a breath or finish my sentence.  He added, “and no tv either.  You will stay in your room tonight.”  To try to soften the blow, I added, “you can play with your toys or read books, but you have to stay in your room tonight”.  You didn’t really react with much drama.  You did as we asked.  Which only made it more difficult.

I had a meeting, so I had to leave, but when I came home, you were pretty much doing what you were supposed to be doing.  Except when you came back into the front room.  Daddy sent you back to your room, and you went, with great drama.  I thought to myself, “be strong, this is a small price“… You see, watching your child having a consequence isn’t easy.  It hurts.  It makes me want to take the consequence away.  It goes against everything being a mommy is about.  There is something deep inside me that wants to take away anything that hurts you or makes you sad.  And yet, I couldn’t move.  I had to stay right were I was and not run up the stairs and tell you that the consequence was over.  It took all of my power to stay there.  In fact, I had to go to daddy to make sure that’s why you were crying.  And just as I was about to give in, you came downstairs again, and you had your make up on, and your cheery voice was asking questions about what I was doing.

Being a kid is tough.  I know it is.  I remember my childhood like it was just yesterday.  But being a parent is hard too.  The only time parenting is easy is when the brain goes to sleep for a while.  The rest of the time, its rough.  It’s stressful, busy, difficult and wacky, and it’s heartbreaking sometimes. Especially when you have to watch your child deal with the consequences of their own choices.  This is something I suspect will not become easier with time.  I imagine that if you do not learn quickly, the lessons will become more costly.  I don’t want that to happen, but as I said earlier, I can’t get your education for you.   I can’t save you from the choices you make, so please choose wisely, because I love you, and I don’t like to see you hurting!

Love,
Mom