The Facts of Life

After reading this facebook post on a friend’s wall, I have this song playing in my head (ya take the good, ya take the bad; ya take ’em both and then ya have… The Facts of Life, The Facts of Life)… all you oldies, sing it with me!  You know you wish you had all those girls as sisters and Mrs. G. as your room mom growing up!  Okay, so if you didn’t live in an imaginary world with them – through the weekly television like I did, then oh well.  Here’s the facebook post, and what I think about it…

I saw this sign tonight…certainly made me stop & think:
8 Ways to Raise a Spoiled & Entitled Child.
– Shield them from consequences.
– Downplay the hard truth about their character.
– Make them the star of the family.
– Raise them without the gift of responsibility or accountability.
– Protect them from sacrifice and service.
– Treat them as if their happiness is all that matters.
– Treat them as if they don’t deserve suffering and pain.
– Treat them as if they must be recognized for all they do.

So…

1.  Shielding my kids from consequences?  Not so much.  At least not all the time.  I try to let them have the small consequences now, so that they feel a sting, but one that they will get over.  Instead of the sting of prison, or unplanned pregnancy, or financial ruin.  I like the choice of words in #1.  Shielding.  Yes, because I would never deny my children the opportunity to live with a consequence of an action or choice they made.  Really, I wouldn’t.  But my instinct as a mother is to shield them from anything that would hurt them.  Anything.  Like, allowing the consequences to fall on my children is extremely painful for me.  Almost as painful as watching someone else deliberately hurt my child, and not stepping in so that my child has the opportunity to defend themselves or assert their needs.   Seriously.  It’s painful to watch.  So I must take comfort in knowing that while the consequence is happening, I can hold my child’s hand.  I can empathize with them. I can hug them and rock them and comfort them.  I can be there when the dust has settled, and extend my hand to help them get back up.  I can.  And I have to, because taking away the small consequences from my children only sets them up to fail in the future.  Not at a specific action or goal, but in life.  If they don’t realize at a young age that slapping someone in the face can anger them enough to make them hit back, then when they become adults, and they slap someone in the face; they would be in total shock if they got slapped back.  Shielding them is a great word, because that is exactly what I instinctively want to do.  Buffer that blow so that it doesn’t knock my kid out.  But I can’t.  Because shielding now = bailing later.  No win for my kid there.

2.  Downplay the hard truth about their character?  Not here.  My kids know where they stand as people.  They know that their little hearts are golden, but that when they behave like a thief, people will call them a thief.  When they act like a brat, someone will call them a brat.  If they are dishonest, they will be labeled a liar.  This week, I found another random item in my kid’s possession.  Now, I know it doesn’t belong to her, because I didn’t buy it.  Beef doesn’t buy things.  Beef buys food and fuel.  Never things.  That’s mommy’s job.  So, I know when I see it, that it does not belong in this house.  And so when I approached her about this item, I asked where she got it.  Because let’s face it, maybe someone else bought it for her.  And delivered it to her at school.  Where she used half of if and then put it in her book bag to bring home and so generously share with the rest of us.  Right?  Yeah.  But hey, I love to give people the opportunity to prove me wrong.  And so I wait, while she tells me exactly where she got it  (from a shelf, her teacher’s shelf).  Whose is it?  (not hers, but she’s not sure who actually owns it)  Why does she have it? (she’s going to bring it back to school and find the rightful owner) And that’s where my questions end.  I then inform her that taking something that doesn’t belong to her is stealing.  And people go to jail for stealing.  And people who steal are called thieves or a thief.  We then go through the act that is stealing, and the consequences of stealing.  The next day, she hit her brother with her blanket, so I take the blanket away and have her sit down to think things through.  When she’s done thinking, wanna know what she came up with?  You guessed it.  I stole her blanket, so I am a thief.  How do I feel about that?  Well, I have a smart kid, her blanket, and the knowledge that she does have a still, small voice, and she knows how to listen to it.  She just needs to choose to.

3.  Make them the star of the family?  Fat chance!! There’s only one star in this family, and that’s me!
Making my kids the stars of the family was never my intention.   I know I jokingly said that I am the only star of the show, but that simply isn’t true.  Because I don’t believe that I am the star of anything.  I do see that I am a leader in our home, and I make a lot of decisions, and my attitude affects everyone here.  But I do not believe that the world revolves around me.  I have a difficult time trying to figure out where I fit into it most of the time.  And while I never want my kids to wonder where they fit in, I also don’t want to indulge them in the masochistic thinking that the world tells them to have.  They are not the center of the universe.  God is.  They will not ever have a day when the world revolves completely around them.  Because that’s not the way the world was made.  I wouldn’t want to delude them into believing that they are entitled to have and do whatever their hearts and minds desire at any given time. But having said that, I also want to say “yes” as many times as I can, because I want my “no” to be effective.  I want my children to know that without a doubt, they are the biggest, most important blessings that have been placed upon my life.  Striking that balance has been a challenge, because they are younger.  Their needs are more basic.  Their little minds simply do not understand or fathom the depths and width and breadth of the world and universe itself.  So, while their world revolves around our little circle of people, our town and the city around us, I just try to treat them the way they should be treated, and to remind them how much I love them.  But when they start to get a little full of themselves, I remind them, that they are not the only ones in our little circle, and everybody has needs.

4.  Raise them without the gift of responsibility or accountability?  Okay, I admit, I’m still working on this one.  Not because I don’t buy into it; but because I’m still trying to figure out what (aside from personal) a 5 year old and a 2 year old can be responsible for.  Their rooms?  Absolutely.  Their coats/shoes/hats/bookbags? Of course! But what else can they be totally responsible for at this age?  Well, they have to clean their plates after supper.  They have to admit when they make a mistake.  General, and as I said, personal responsibility and accountability.  But nothing like chores. Yet.

5.  Protect them from sacrifice and service?  Absolutely.  At this point, they are too young to have anything of their own.  So they have nothing to sacrifice.  They do know how to serve.  Yes, their little hearts are golden.  Really.  Okay… so they can serve.  They can help each other, their family, and friends, and people in the community.  And we will show them how to do that, as we serve our own community.  And sacrifice?  Well, yes, they actually do sacrifice a bit, but we don’t always tell them that’s what they’re doing.  Also, they do sacrifice for each other; time and privileges.  They sacrifice their belongings when they are outgrowing them, or when I tell them that they are.  But at five and two, they will have plenty of opportunities to sacrifice in their lives.

6.  Treat them as if their happiness is all that matters?  Well, let’s start with how many times in a single day I hear from at least one of the children, “You’re ruining my life!!”  “That’s not fair!!” “Brother/Sister always gets to do…”  “I never get to…”   “You are a bad boy forever mommy!!!”  All because they do not get their own desires.  Second line of proof:  See #3.  Truly, I want the best for my children, and what I consider the best would be healthy, emotionally stable, confident and courageous people, who can think for themselves and know what it is they want, what their passion is, and go for it.  That is the kind of success I want to give them.  I have run the gamut on feelings in life.  I have seen the highs of getting “things” and being able to purchase whatever I want. I have also struggled and wished and wanted.  I know that no external, material thing is going to bring them true happiness.  I also know that they were created with the gift of joy inside of them.  Their passion will bring them joy no matter what their external circumstances are.  And that is my goal.  To live so that they can see that no matter what happens in my life, my passion will bring about joy, which is greater than any temporary happiness that a privilege or material thing can ever give them.

7.  Treat them as if they don’t deserve suffering and pain?  Well, aside from #1 and #2, they don’t.  My views about the concept of “deserve” are not quite the way society sees things.  I do not believe that anyone “deserves” anything.  I think that what comes to us is the result of our actions, or the actions of others.  We are not able to truly earn anything.  Someone said recently that “when people choose to do the right thing, good things happen to them”… but I know plenty of people who chose to do the right thing and bad things happened to them.  So it doesn’t always work out the way we think it will, especially when we teach people to “manipulate” events so that things will work in their favor.  No, I’d rather teach my children about grace.  Which is when we get what we don’t deserve.  And mercy.  Which is when we don’t get what we do deserve.  Because that’s how I feel God has blessed me in life.  With these lessons.

8.  Treat them as if they must be recognized for all they do?  Never.  Again, #3!  However, I believe that children need to have their confidence built.  So when they do something (almost anything), if they are excited about it, I generally get excited with them, and then ask them how they feel.  How did getting that “awesome behavior” report feel?  Did it make you feel proud to have worked so hard and have someone notice?  How did it feel to have someone notice when you picked those pieces of trash up off of the floor?  How does it feel to be able to write your own name?  Don’t you just love that you learned how to read?  Now you can see things in a book or magazine and know what it says!  So while I might recognize them, I’m not doing it in a “you’re a rockstar!” or a “mommy’s so proud of you” way.  Because I have spent my life worrying about what other people think.  I want my kids to worry about the quality of their actions, and have pride in themselves.  Without that, what good is the esteem they have?

Now, smart alec comments aside, please hear me when I say, I agree with this list, and I totally disagree with this list.  And if you know me, you know why this is true.  If you understand the paradox that is parenting, you can’t help but agree.  Or disagree.