It's Not Personal

I’ve been struggling all weekend. Here is the epiphany which came to me over the ironing board this afternoon: “it’s not personal”.  Whatever it is, it’s not personal. Especially the way other people act. Whether it is an adult, a teenager or a small child, it is not personal. After two weeks of not yelling, two blissful weeks of not feeling pressured to make a decision or impose a consequence, I broke down and yelled at my kid.  I admit it, I lost control of myself. There are numerous events that led up to my loss of control, but only one person, one action is responsible. Me. Now, did it solve anything? Yes, my kid stopped screaming and bawling and having a tantrum, and rode the remaining six miles in silence. In fact, both of them did so. But what did it accomplish long term? Well, I think it showed them that every person has a limit, and I had reached mine. I was not going to tolerate the behavior any longer and certainly not in a six foot tin can rolling down the road in echoing madness. No sir. Not that day. But I didn’t feel better. I felt like a failure. He was quiet, but I’m sure his internal storm was only at the eye, based upon his behavior as soon as we were inside the house. No, my yelling didn’t make a win for anyone. It just postponed the remainder of the fit until I had calmed down. So why did I lose control? Well, as I said, numerous reasons. But after processing it the rest of the evening and most of today, the epiphany I received was this: “it’s not personal”.  Yes, you read that right. The way my kids act is because they choose to act that way. It’s not because I don’t teach them how to be appropriate. It’s not because I don’t expect them to behave. They are little. They are searching for consistency and boundaries and all kinds of subtle clues and hints about their universe. They are ornery. They are mischievous. They are curious and inquisitive about their environment and the people in it. And they are impulsive. They have not yet encountered every scenario of the life we live and the society they will one day help shape. So they are testing everything like little Einstein probies. And I am a mom. I know what people generally think when kids are acting out. I know how our society views kids that are headstrong and independent and stubborn. I also know that people judge before they know, most often by someone’s appearance and actions. Even if they are wrong by prejudging, I know it’s happening. I am also a product of image conditioning. I was raised to be mindful of my actions, because “What would the neighbors think”.  And so, in all the acting out, all the teaching I’m trying to do, I’m internalizing it all. I’m making it personal. And why should I do that? What makes us think we should have control another human being? Unless it is for safety’s sake, why do we need to make someone do or not do something? Better yet, HOW do we make someone do anything? By fear, intimidation, guilt, motivation, discipline or other forms of “conditioning”.  I don’t know that I want to raise children who are “conditioned”.  Which is why love and logic works. It allows people to make their own mistakes, and hopefully, to learn from their mistakes. And so, as I think about why I am so disappointed with myself, as I declare that if things don’t turn around in a week, I am quitting, as I wade around the muddy waters of parenting and marriage and life, the singular thought comes to my mind…  “it’s not personal”…  my kids aren’t acting out to publicly humiliate me any more than shirts come out of the dryer wrinkly with the intent that I must iron them. It’s just the way they were made. It’s a consequence of an action, just like anything else. It’s not a personal attack on me. And so, with this new found realization, I will try again. To go on without yelling. To make every effort to control the ONE person I can control. And to make sure that each person owns their own choices.  Now, while they are small, so that one day, when the price is high, they will make better choices. Including myself. And the first step is to apologize for yelling.

© amysara and TheRFarm.
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