The Resignation

I did resign my position on June 2nd.  But i never resigned with a date prior to September 11trh.  In fact, i always said that i would stay as long as the church wanted me to, up until September 11th, because that’s Rally day, and i wanted to just be a volunteer after that. 
I can’t tell you exactly why i resigned.  I know that sounds strange, but it is just the plain truth.  I love my job (the work part), i love planning and preparing and driving and doing.  I love typing and preaching and speaking and i even love cleaning! :)
I love my ministry (the nurturing, pastoral part) i love caring for the students and praying with them.  I love listening to their hurts and struggles and celebrating their joys and successes.  I love watching their faith evolve, and their relationship with Jesus deepen.  I love talking to parents and encouraging them as their child develops as a person and as a child of God.  I love to tell young people how Jesus changed my life, and how he worked everything i thought was  bad into something beautiful.
I love the people i work with.  We really are like family.  Sometimes that means we fight like family, but most of the time, it means we take care of each other.
I love the people of the church.  I enjoy telling people about students, and the journey they are on, i like to hear how things used to be, and i love getting advice and suggestions from people who have been there.  Especially people who have  been through some “trial by fire”.  (So if you ever wanna share your supermom secrets, PLEASE share them with me!!!) :)
I really don’t have much to say that’s negative, huh?
Well, that’s where the strangeness of it all comes in.
I have been struggling with making it all work (work, kids, home), and i have been in prayer about it for the last year.  The first six months, i spent begging God to make everything work out, to make it all turn out good, and to let me sign my name to it (so to speak).
Around Easter, i began to sense things were changing in my spirit.  I didn’t have peace anymore.  I started a Bible study called “Discerning the Voice of God” with a bunch of ladies i really can’t believe let me in their group!  :)
I spent about two months in prayer about all those concerns (work, kids, home), and asking God what He wanted.  I was listening instead of begging.  
And i was getting all sorts of little signs from God about sacrifice and submission and family.  
The only thing i could come up with was that He was calling me away from the Youth Director position.  Not student ministry, but the position itself.
So, i argued with God, i begged Him to change His mind.  i even said i didn’t want to do it.  But i kept getting the same little hints.
And so one day, i asked God to forgive me for rebelling against His will, and ignoring His messages to me.  I asked Him to do it for me, or to make me HAVE to leave, or to make it VERY clear that it was time for me to go.
Two days later, i received a letter in the mail.  It wasn’t handwritten, didn’t have a return address, and no identifying marks.  All i knew is that it was mailed in Washington.  The card said, “It is not down on any map.  True places never are.” – Herman Melville.  and the inside of the card (not by the person but on the card) it said, “Follow your heart, it knows the way.”  And after reading that card, i just knew God was telling me that it was indeed time to resign.  And so i did it.  Right then.  I drove all over the countryside to find a place for my kids to go so i could talk to all the church leadership.  Then i talked to the youth leaders, then i called the youth group students in to the church to tell them.  

And so it was.  I was resigned.  I felt peace about doing it, because i knew i was obeying God, and that is what we’re supposed to do.  Even if what we’re doing doesn’t make sense.  I told everyone that i was still going to come to the church.  Still going to teach Sunday School, and still going to volunteer with the youth.  I said that i would stay on until either the new person didn’t want me in their way, or until September 11th, whichever came first.

BUT…

We had a staff meeting two weeks ago, where we met with Pastor Jim.  He went around the table and each of us introduced ourselves to him.  When i heard everyone explaining their jobs, and realized that this man has QUITE a bit to learn, i felt guilty, like how could i leave him with a hole in the student ministries area? 
So after that meeting, i asked him to meet with me for a second, and i just asked him if he wanted to work with me or a new person.  He said he had to leave that up to me.  That his selfish nature would say i should stay, but his faithful nature would say that there was a reason i resigned so i should resign.  But he would leave that up to me.  And then, out of my mouth flew those words.
I could not believe it after he left.  I really thought, “Oh crap, what  did i do now?”  Because i don’t want to go against God.
So, i have “temporarily” rescinded my resignation, until such date as i have no idea.  I am still planning everything.  I don’t know what God is asking me to do.  I don’t know what i’m supposed to be doing right now.  I just keep praying that He will talk to me again, and that He will give me an answer.

I wrote that about three weeks ago.  I still haven’t heard from God, meaning, i haven’t heard God yell at me or tell me i’m doing the right thing.  I do believe that God is making everything incredibly obvious right now.  I will share more of that later in a post called, “Clear As Mud”.  Check it out.