Joy Joy Joy

The last couple of days, i have made my mantra, “i will praise you in the storm”, for reasons too many to list. Today, the storm brought rain. Tears flowed and i could not contain my feelings as i listened to Casting Crowns, while making lunch. My heart has been hardened these past few months. i think i have just had to “shut down” to survive all the changes in my life. Believe it or not, there are stressors that come with moving closer to family. i don’t say this to be complaining, i just say it because it was something my brain sort of knew, but i didn’t want to admit. For many years, i have dreamed of the day we would have a child, dreamed of the day we would move back and be surrounded with the love and support that having “roots” brings you. But there are other realizations, that coming home brings. People change, babies grow up, life happens, just like always, and it is quite different coming home to visit, vice coming home to live permanently. As if the move weren’t enough, of course, i just had a baby, a Miracle baby, and our jobs have changed, our marriage has somewhat changed, our financial situation has drastically changed, everything from benefits to bedtimes have changed. So to cope, i just shut off. i think i just switched to autopilot, moving from fire to fire, putting each one out and trying to do it with no sweat on my brow, no complaining, no issues. Of course, Beef knew what i really felt like, he knew all the little details that were slipping through the cracks and all the “gnats” of things that were secretly driving me nuts (translate = bugging me).
But with all that, i still couldn’t worry about it. i had no time or desire to have the generous “meltdown” i believed so greatly deserved. Until Valentine’s Day. God started whispering to me about my heart, and i started noticing that it was hard and scarred toward some things, that i had places in there that i had not cleaned out in a while, and those places were becoming dark and stinky and were starting to pollute my thoughts and attitudes. Hmmnnn…
At any rate, over the past two weeks, i have been talking to God about my heart in our morning meetings. i have asked him to pick off the scabs and get to the soft part, to clear out the junk and turn on some lights in there. oh boy. i mean, i knew it would happen, because that’s what God wants, right? Our hearts? ooohh. But some scars are deep and some scabs bleed when you pick at them. So today, i was having a little tenderness from the pruning and healing that has been going on, and i have been praying about things. Mainly, i’ve just told God that He knows what i need, and He is the only one who can provide it.
Today, God provided me with Joy. Visits and calls from family blessed me throughout the day. i was not left alone today, because God knew i didn’t need that. He knew i needed to be wrapped up in love and surrounded by all those roots. He knew that a little hug from a grandmother and a daddy checking in on his little girl would speak to me more than any kind of card or vacation. A mother looking at her child through eyes of love and compassion was enough for me. God knew.
And as i sit here typing through tear-filled eyes, i can feel this ol’ heart a softening a little bit more. i know that there are lights on in rooms of my heart that were once pitch black.
i love you God. Thanks for loving me so good.
And thanks for sending in the troops today!