Job, Job, Job

“You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity? In all this Job did not sin with his lips.”
-Job 2:10

My last doctor’s visit was a day one of my co-workers called, “Baby Day”. i had arranged to have my GD appointment, ultrasound and prenatal checkup all on one day, to avoid missing several days from work. Oh how proactive i am! (you’ll see why this is funny later) My nutritionist says that i’m doing well on the diet plan, and that i have actually lost weight. While losing weight during pregnancy is not good, since i started out overweight in this pregnancy, i am probably alright. The weight isn’t concerning, unless i continue to lose it. My new goal is to maintain the weight. After the nutritionist, Beef and i had lunch, then went in for our ultrasound. We had to repeat the 20 week, because they could not see the baby’s brain and skull, because she was determined to hide in my bladder. This day, she decided to play fair, although she made it very interesting by kicking and floating around most of the time. Her brain and skull appear to be fine, so there were no worries there, and again, they did not find any boy parts, so she seems to still be a girl. Obviously, ultrasound diagnosis of sex is never guaranteed, so i wouldn’t be surprised if she came out a he… but i’m hoping i’m not causing any damage by referring to her as a girl… (sorry, try not to lose me)
At my prenatal, i was shocked to find out that my fasting sugars are too high, and that if i am unable to bring them down in the next five days, i will be put on medication. while i am not opposed to medication, it is not my favorite thing in the world to do, not to mention, that it can have side effects for the baby. so after this news, i fell into a pit.
i could barely keep my composure in the doctor’s office, and did cry later in the day. i just wanted to go to sleep for a while, and wake up when it is all over. i don’t really feel that way, but was so overwhelmed with emotion, that it was all i could think of to get myself through the next few hours…
i felt like a failure, like i’m not taking care of my baby… i felt like my body is betraying me, like my mind is something i’m not in control of. my doctor believes that i can control the fasting sugars with diet, and by not skipping meals. i am infamous for putting myself last, and sometimes i’ll skip a meal or put my lunch off until late in the day… this is obviously not good when you’re pregnant, but now that i have GD, it is REALLY not good. i just didn’t understand how i could be so foolish, take chances and appear to not care… turns out my “say” and my “do” were two different things. The rest of the day i was sullen and inconsolable. I just wanted this GD thing to go away. Instead of succeeding, i was failing. oooohhh i hate that word! After trying to make me feel better, Beef realized that i just needed a shoulder, and was extremely attentive and supportive. The next morning, i had an important business meeting, which i really didn’t want to attend. i arrived feeling like i had worn a Scarlett “A” to the meeting… even though no one was probably the wiser, i felt as if they all knew i was a failure, a bad mother who didn’t care about anything but work…
i got through the meeting and shed a few tears on my way back to the office. Beef called to check on me, and i could tell he was disappointed that i wasn’t able to work my way out of the pit yet. after about an hour, i received a loving email from him, reminding me that while he may not have the answers, he has the strength to stand beside me and love me regardless of how i feel; and he vowed to do just that. i made the decision that i would take care of myself for the next five days, regardless of how i felt, what my situation was or what i wanted; and if at the end of the five days, i still haven’t lowered my fasting sugars, then i had at least done all i could do.
yet, inside me, even with the determination to follow through, i remained sad. i felt lost, i wondered why God would put this GD on me. He knows i’m not good with diet, He knows i am even worse at keeping a schedule! He knows that i don’t like to stop working to take care of myself. Doesn’t HE?????
aaaahhhh yes…

Job…
Great Man. Bad situation. Poor Guy. All those bad things happening to him, and what could he do? All those people all around him, telling him to just give up and get it over with. Pack it up and call it a day Job, God’s letting this happen to you. Why bother, Job? Satan is much stronger and has more power than you. How he must’ve wondered where his friends were… where were the people to come around and cheer him on? Way to be Job! Stand firm Job! Rely on God Job! You’ll get through this Job! I’m praying for you to be victorious Job! Where were those people? Job had to be his own cheerleader in the midst of his struggles, but it seems as though it wasn’t difficult… he knew the Truth, he knew what was right; he just had to dig down and find it. Then he made sure he shared it with those around him.

Mama Bun…
slowly climbing out of the pit, regaining her strength and confidence; remembering that she can do ALL things through Christ, and that none of this was by her power anyway… figuring out how to go ahead and eat while talking to co-workers, remembering to have a snack and eat again before the blood sugar drops too much. Still, i can’t help but wonder why? why do i feel this way? why am i the kind of person who won’t put first things first? WHAT IS GOD TEACHING ME??? That i’m going to have a child and life is going to be EXTREMELY different. That i won’t be able to control some things in life, and i’d just better get used to it now before i have this baby to worry about. That even though i think i’m perfect and doing a great job, “stuff” happens, and things break, and documents get deleted (i know you’re rolling your eyes VIV!), and blood sugar doesn’t always get low enough without medicine… none of this stuff escapes God, so i have to get back to what i know… i know that whenever i need advice, or a word in due season, i can go to God’s Word, and find exactly what He wants me to know. So i open my Bible and find the book of Job, and unwittingly, the answer to all of my questions…

If i want the good things that God has to offer me, why don’t i want the “not so good” things He wants to use in my life? Why is it more fun to take the miracle of pregnancy and not the challenge of learning a new life routine? If ALL things work to good for those who are called according to His purpose, then why do i fight off and get upset over the things that don’t fit my plans?
Regardless of my circumstances, no matter what i am struggling with, GOD IS STILL GOD, and He’s never to busy for me. He can handle ALL things, fix anything, He’s great with broken hearts and specializes in miracles. There’s no need for me to deny i’m lost and incomplete and imperfect… if i try to deny that, then i’m denying God and my need for Him. Yes, i want to accept God’s good, but i also want to accept the challenges and adversity that He allows into my life. Especially when He comes up with these great lessons!
I’m still worried about the GD, and i still don’t want to take medicine. But i’m glad that i’m struggling through this with Jesus, and i’m glad my heart is soft enough to listen to the Holy Spirit. I’d be missing out on SOOO much without it…

Ending with a saying that i found once… Anne Ortlund wrote it, and in times like this, it helps redirect my perspective:

Pain is God’s beautiful gift to make us lean harder on Him when He knows we need it.