January 2000

Oh God, don’t let me go! Don’t allow me to slip through Your hands! Please, PLEASE hold on to me, i feel as though the wind i was soaring on six hours ago is gone! A little baby boy was born today – what an awesome miracle; and i’m sitting here grieving. WHY? i hate being human sometimes. God help me! What is wrong with me? Why can’t i get pregnant and carry a baby and deliver a baby and hold a baby? Why can’t i be happy for my sister? Why do i have to feel so sad? i’m sorry for everything i’ve done wrong. i really am! i’m sorry for my sins and i believe that you’ve forgiven me, but i still feel like i’m being punished! God, WHY? My heart is breaking! i love you so much! Please don’t let me go on feeling this way! God, You said that weeping endureth the night, but JOY cometh in the morning. Please help me get through this night God, PLEASE!! i don’t know what to do! i hate myself for being pitiful and feeling sorrow. i don’t like feeling this way, God, PLEASE! if i can’t have a child, take this desire away! Get rid of it, because i hate it that it makes me feel cheated! Show us God. Show us the way to make our baby. Help us to achieve the desires of our hearts or take them away! Please God! i know You are in Heaven, and that You are feeling my sorrow. i know that You are holding me in the palm of Your hand. But God, it STILL hurts! i guess i wasn’t so built up in faith as i thought. My sister labored short and had a boy. i feel so good for them, but sad for me. You protected them God, You brought them both out of delivery okay. You kept them safe. Thank You God! Thank You! You are awesome! Truly! i am glad that You are in control! i love you Father, and i need You. That is obvious! God, please don’t let me go! In Jesus’ name, please! Amen.
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